Lately I haven’t blogged at all. Lately I haven’t done many things. I’ve been living under a dark cloud ever since I came back, unable to break out of a vicious cycle of hating myself and trying to be happy. Sometimes I just lie in bed and hope that the day ends quickly so that I can go back to sleep. I read books on how to be happy. I try to talk to people about being sad but noone understands. It’s as though there must be a reason to be upset.
The problem with sadness is that it’s not only for the poor and suffering. It’s an emotion and it’s a constant fight. It makes it harder when people jeer and laugh, or outright tells you to stop being sad. Yes I have a lot of great things – I don’t have to fight for my next meal and I have a beautiful house to live in. I don’t have the usual worries that plague many poor people on the streets. But that doesn’t stop me from being sad. I am sad.
Sometimes I feel alone in here. I have to laugh and smile and pretend that everything is fine. It is not fine. But noone wants to hear, especially after they had a hard day at work and all I’ve done is hide under the blankets at home. And I feel like a burden because everyone else already had a harder life than I do, and I don’t have to make theirs feel even worse. So I trap it all inside and I pretend to be happy and I pretend to smile and laugh.
No one hears me.