Lately I haven’t blogged at all. Lately I haven’t done many things. I’ve been living under a dark cloud ever since I came back, unable to break out of a vicious cycle of hating myself and trying to be happy. Sometimes I just lie in bed and hope that the day ends quickly so that I can go back to sleep. I read books on how to be happy. I try to talk to people about being sad but noone understands. It’s as though there must be a reason to be upset.
The problem with sadness is that it’s not only for the poor and suffering. It’s an emotion and it’s a constant fight. It makes it harder when people jeer and laugh, or outright tells you to stop being sad. Yes I have a lot of great things – I don’t have to fight for my next meal and I have a beautiful house to live in. I don’t have the usual worries that plague many poor people on the streets. But that doesn’t stop me from being sad. I am sad.
Sometimes I feel alone in here. I have to laugh and smile and pretend that everything is fine. It is not fine. But noone wants to hear, especially after they had a hard day at work and all I’ve done is hide under the blankets at home. And I feel like a burden because everyone else already had a harder life than I do, and I don’t have to make theirs feel even worse. So I trap it all inside and I pretend to be happy and I pretend to smile and laugh.
No one hears me.
I hear you. Keep writing out your thoughts and feelings, and many of us will listen. Do not give up fighting the good fight.
Thank you for your words of encouragement! 🙂 I am definitely trying my best 🙂
I understand. I have dissociation disorder where I am literally present but really not there. At times, I live my life in a black out, having no idea what I did during the time frame I am not present. Sometimes, I’m told that I’m doing my homework and other times I’m told by others that I stare at nothing with a vacant look in my eyes. I’ve been told that I’m lazy but how can I be when I’m literally not in the moment. It happens mostly when I am sad. I get told that I’m too happy of a person to be depressed. They only see what I want them to see. Who I need to be for them. But when it’s just me. I don’t want to be me.